It may seem silly but the thought that I am now 69 hit me in a weird way. To me that’s proper old 😂 I suddenly had an oh shit moment and a feeling that this cant be me, can it? Sounds mad I suppose. Its all getting a bit ‘Sunset Boulevard’ now. Nurse bring the screens

The problem I have at the moment is the more I try to get stuff started the more disheartened I become. But its not just me it seems. The music I create is getting ever more popular which is of course satisfying on one level but unless I actually attempt to form a band I seem to be out of options. Forming a band is a lot of bother of course. perhaps more than I could deal with.

I have definitely hit a rock in the road confidence wise. I think all I can do is wait for spring and hopefully a reset will occur. I saw an ad on Facebook with a guy looking for a female vocalist to work with in a duo and it was interesting that he said this:

“Thanks everyone for the likes but can people just DM me if they are actually interested”. So it looks like basically nobody has responded. I get the feeling and a lot of others have said the same that things are just shutting down. People don’t want to leave the house. So its not just me and its not just my age and demographic either.

I don’t want to give up on live performance personally but if I could be content with just the occasional gig I would be happier. Trouble is that’s where things are and my tiny ape brain just can’t accept it. Worlds changed and I cant adapt it seems. So although I have done stuff, I do feel my self-esteem/confidence nose diving just a tad. In a sense any fix is actually not about what I do, its about how I feel about. That’s the hard part.

Things have changed a lot. The gig scene is mostly in terms of audiences either proper music fans or musicians, but a lot less casual punters now. That is a post covid effect. And also people cant afford to go out so much so they don’t or they save up and just go to special events. Pay £500 quid to go to a festival but never see a live band in a pub for free is much more the case. Redbourn Folk clubs getting such low attendances that they may have to pack it in apparently if things don’t buck up and many folk clubs in pubs are in a similar position as they don’t take enough money over the bar to keep the lights on. People are now going out in summer but staying home in winter to an extent as well.

I just haven’t got the oomph for anything at present. So maybe I should just wait until it comes back, if it comes back. In truth I am not motivated to go out much and there are plenty of opportunity’s. Maybe I am just making excuses not to go to OM’s and similar. I think its me as much as its everything else now.

I have ground to a halt again again today. My mood is sort of neutral. I have been hit with an attack of the beige’s or the off white’s or magnolias. At Stone towers a quiet day with useful musical things done mostly but with no great urgency occurring. Nothing much to report.
The washing machine heating element and controller circuit need fixing as suspected so it wont get fixed for a day or two or three. The parts on order from tomorrow but I suspect it wont be fixed until the end of the week.

Here is my most recent song.

A few things are getting under my skin today a bit as the day has progressed. Just life generally a little bit to be honest, not one thing but many small things. I need a Guru, a Yogi, a Sage, a wise man or women to make it make sense…

Facebook asked what is on my mind? You really don’t want to know would be my honest answer right now. A lot of irritating things are going wrong at present and its all getting a bit hard work to deal with the latest thing being the washing machine packing up.

On a another tack entirely I note a huge increase in Ai generated music now on one of the streaming platforms I use to distribute my own works. I listened to a kind of pleasant Latin flavoured pop/easy listening song and it turned out that the guy was singing on the track but the rest was Ai. It sounded quite good but it just makes me think what’s the point anymore in one sense.

Everything just seems F****d now.

The worlds gone a bit weird. Trump siding with Putin and also trying to start another war in the middle east by the look of it. All of it seems like some form of collective insanity really from here.

Yes it really did. And it stopped raining too. I am still tired though.

Its weird to be honest. I have sort of zoned out the last few days after my anxiety thing on Wednesday night. I feel sort odd mentally. It was a bit cathartic as it brought into focus that I have mentally been pushing myself a bit too hard. Basically doing lots of doing is good on one level for mental health but not when it becomes a source of anxiety of its own.

last night I did work on some music and my sister Beverley rang in the middle of it. Rather than say I was busy I talked to with her for an hour then went back to what I was doing. It may well have worked better in musical terms for taking a break before carrying on. I have a frantic drive to finish things and sometimes perhaps it is detrimental to the finished product.

I think it may stem from things like having my art portfolio destroyed at school just before the exam so maybe subconsciously I am trying to “do it before they can stop me”? Today I went back to a song I have already released and did a remastered version. I have tended not to revisit things. There is a certain psychological thing making me go at everything like a bull in a China shop maybe?

I got some very nice feedback on an old song recently from a Facebook buddy so I listened to it again and decided it was actually a fairly decent piece of work and better than I remembered and that is always encouraging and up lifting. I am not sure how to rebalance my life but I do need to a bit as I live a lot in my head at times and for me perhaps now a trifle too much introspection is not a good thing and I am thinking slightly morbid thoughts a lot recently.

I have hit a brick wall of sorts now.

Old age fucking or just fucking old age, chance would be a fine thing No ones safe when grandma discos on the rampage… “I’ll fight the army and the navy, just give me my gin” If I knew 40 years ago what I know now, I would have got myself in such a fine mess. Hallelujah. Oh my lord. Everyday I feel like I am turning more and more into cartoon character.

Valentines day has passed and I am recording stuff. its slowly coming together Ok. My energy is kind of elbow low though. That’s not helping. Tea break maybe? Other distractions may also be available.