Yes it really did. And it stopped raining too. I am still tired though.

Its weird to be honest. I have sort of zoned out the last few days after my anxiety thing on Wednesday night. I feel sort odd mentally. It was a bit cathartic as it brought into focus that I have mentally been pushing myself a bit too hard. Basically doing lots of doing is good on one level for mental health but not when it becomes a source of anxiety of its own.

last night I did work on some music and my sister Beverley rang in the middle of it. Rather than say I was busy I talked to with her for an hour then went back to what I was doing. It may well have worked better in musical terms for taking a break before carrying on. I have a frantic drive to finish things and sometimes perhaps it is detrimental to the finished product.

I think it may stem from things like having my art portfolio destroyed at school just before the exam so maybe subconsciously I am trying to “do it before they can stop me”? Today I went back to a song I have already released and did a remastered version. I have tended not to revisit things. There is a certain psychological thing making me go at everything like a bull in a China shop maybe?

I got some very nice feedback on an old song recently from a Facebook buddy so I listened to it again and decided it was actually a fairly decent piece of work and better than I remembered and that is always encouraging and up lifting. I am not sure how to rebalance my life but I do need to a bit as I live a lot in my head at times and for me perhaps now a trifle too much introspection is not a good thing and I am thinking slightly morbid thoughts a lot recently.

I have hit a brick wall of sorts now.

Old age fucking or just fucking old age, chance would be a fine thing No ones safe when grandma discos on the rampage… “I’ll fight the army and the navy, just give me my gin” If I knew 40 years ago what I know now, I would have got myself in such a fine mess. Hallelujah. Oh my lord. Everyday I feel like I am turning more and more into cartoon character.

Valentines day has passed and I am recording stuff. its slowly coming together Ok. My energy is kind of elbow low though. That’s not helping. Tea break maybe? Other distractions may also be available.

I felt mildly anxious before I went out to Redbourn Folk last night, but really enjoyed the evening. Came home, then bang out of nowhere. Massive anxiety attack last night. But that’s how it happens as you might well know if you are similarly afflicted. Heart racing for about an hour. I had a great evening out at the folk club, got home then suddenly shaking so much I couldn’t get the key in the door. Full on panic ensued and a pulse of 128. I ended up having to get up out of bed and pace for about 30 minutes to fix it. Horrible but classic anxiety attack. Annoying that even regular exercise cant fix this as its not body its mind. Shaking like car with busted engine mountings. I have not had one like that for many years years.

Sometimes a little make-believe doesn’t hurt

I wrote this blog originally in 2014.

“I was thinking about the fact that having struggled with various mental and behavioural problems related to them for many years, in fact most of my life.
My first visit to an education psychologist was at the age of 8 and then followed several years until I was about 14 when I opted out as I did not seem to be getting anywhere being a professional patient almost by that time. The reason I was sent initially was for a formal assessment as I was doing very badly at school. I had a formal IQ test and I think they were expecting me to be what in those days was referred to as ESN. The test results contradicted this and as I had an of of 136 but I was dyslexic and also was dyscalculic. That’s another story.
From that point I was just tagged as lazy. For a lot of my life I did mentally non-challenging jobs, as I had low self-esteem, no formal education and was also somewhat dyslexic and not too good at maths either. This was compounded by depressive illness which hit at at puberty and has carried on to some extent ever since. In my twenty’s I often had severe anxiety attacks, which caused me to wake up around 03.00 with a rapidly pounding heart and a major sense of dread. Then I would be awake for an hour or so until it all calmed down. Getting up the next morning I would often be quite tired due to broken sleep.
I had a couple of brief Camelot moments when things looked up for a few months and it seemed there might be happy every afters including one job when I was 17 working at Hammersmith Odeon (Now the Apollo, in those days run by Rank Theatres) which had I been able to stay in it would possibly have given me a good career. In those days it was still showing films as well as having live music. They had a grand piano, which was the first time I had ever seen one close up, or attempted to play one. I did see a lot of very good bands then though. Unfortunately due to being bullied by some NF teenagers (who had also gained inspiration and nicked some ideas from the then recently released Clockwork Orange) and getting stalked and attacked on the way home I eventually lost that job. After this incident which involved going to court, my confidence was at an all time low. I don’t think it ever really recovered from that. I also had a particular drug experience which caused a permanent change (I had something put in a drink and ended up being dumped on the doorstep frothing at the mouth). My father seemed to think that I had brought all this on myself. I had too older sisters and he seemed to think that my behaviour did not match up to his standards.
Briefly before my father died at the age of 63 from cancer, we almost resolved our differences, but he was a product of his time or possibly a hangover from an even earlier time in many of his attitudes. More time passed and I joined the Home Office and worked in various parts of the Criminal Justice system, for 13 years during which time I had more depressive illness and two major occurrences. I got more med’s and managed to keep working through it though. I got in to IT by accident and started writing code and developing stuff, and made a very rapid rise from the bottom grade to a middle-manager. This pissed a lot of people off, particularly the graduates and some folks got a bit funny about it. Although I was capable of doing the work, my mental health continued to be an issue, and finally after starting to crack around the edges for the 5 time I resigned. One of the reasons for this was that I knew that I was not going to be able to keep it together much longer and I might well start seriously messing things up. In truth I didn’t think things through and made a very hard landing. I did manage to do some part time IT related work, but at very low rates as I could not concentrate on complex stuff for too long. At the same time I was getting paid work as a musician, though this was very small amount compared to what I had previously earned. I these days I don’t pursue IT jobs as I can’t spend that long writing code and most jobs require hours of work*, and my concentration span can only deal with short compressed bursts of concentration. *Ironically now with Ai I would hardly ever need to write code just do a few edits and past stuff together So I am stuck really, I can just about get by from month to month but at 57 with on-going mental problems its not that easy. Recently having felt so low, I thought I would go back to the Dr’s but on reflection its always just med’s or CBT. Well CBT works to an extent, but my mood go’s where it will, so you have good days and bad days. The biggest problem is irritability though, and a certain amount of mild paranoia.”

Not sure much has changed since then really.

Well, things are stil a curates egg pretty much some good, some bad some middling. A mild panic this morning for folks at the compound here as the vehicle gates have jammed though they managed to manually open them.

A thrilling day so far, cleaned washing machine filter but it didn’t actually need cleaning. A couple of emails sent. Stuff like that..

I do find a massive feeling of inertia when dealing with people generally. Everybody has the same story to tell now. People (younger ones two) are not going out so much, pub attendance is down and so forth. People do feel things are in decline with an added dash of ‘Is that all there is’

Another musical mate Tally Trow (exe a couple of decent bands and an occasional DL bass player to boot) has asked me to do a musical collaboration, on line remote stuff of course though. So that’s small plus.

A thought on my music conundrum:

I think my problem is I exist in an odd place on the music spectrum. I have pro level skills (but without the sight reading skills level I am not quite employable enough) but I am not despite what you might actually think a massive ego maniac. But I can’t handle pro level opportunity’s now. I can’t jump back into 4+ gigs a week I would need a 6 to 9 month or so warm up to do that assuming my old bones and brain cells still can do the deed. All the regularly working pros I know also teach 2 or 3 days a week. That’s a good way to make contacts of course. But you can learn more off YouTube in ten minutes unless you have a really good tutor. In space there are what is called Lagrange points. There are spots between the Earth and Sun and Mars where crudely put the gravitational pull on an object is balanced so satellites (notably the most famous recent space telescope James Webb Space Telescope (JWST) ) can be parked and remain in place.

So it is it seems with my musical efforts. In perfect equilibrium but tidally locked in a cosmic doldrums. I was offered a while (I didn’t ask for it) a serious try out for what I thought was a bunch of aging never was in a sort of prog rock band. I politely declined as it was not quite the right fit and I did not think I would have the stamina. Then a mutual friend expressed amazement as it turned out said band were a big thing on the UK modern prog festival circuit…

Mental Health

Mine is not at all good at present to be honest. I am right on the edge at present
And nothing makes sense anymore. At all. maybe it never will again?
Maybe see you on the flip side…

I keep getting the death tarot card

Repeatedly drawing the Death tarot card signifies that you are undergoing or resisting a significant transformation, the ending of a major phase in your life, and the need to let go of what no longer serves you. It rarely predicts physical death, but rather a powerful, necessary change that leads to new beginnings. 

Understanding the Message

The frequent appearance of the Death card is a powerful message that a major cycle in your life is concluding to make way for a new one. This transformation, while potentially uncomfortable or even painful, is an essential part of growth and renewal. The card is urging you to embrace this inevitable shift rather than resist it, as clinging to the past will only make the transition more arduous. 

Key Interpretations

Embracing the Unknown: The imagery of a new sun rising in the background of the traditional card symbolises the hope and new opportunities that follow an ending. The card asks you to trust the process of transition and be open to the potential on the other side. 

Transformation and Renewal: The primary meaning of the Death card is profound change, akin to a caterpillar dissolving to become a butterfly. It suggests that the “old you” needs to evolve so a new, more aligned version can emerge.

Endings and Release: This card signals the closing of a significant chapter, which could relate to a job, a relationship, a belief system, or an unhealthy habit. It encourages you to actively release attachments that are holding you back.

Inevitability: The presence of the card in a reading implies that this change is unavoidable. People from all walks of life—from kings to commoners—are subject to this natural cycle, emphasizing that you cannot bargain with or avoid this transformation.