Diana Stones Blog

Bi-polar

A bit panicky today

by on Dec.21, 2011, under Bi-polar, Delta Ladies, Musings

I seem to have got very wound up today, for no logical reason that I can think off. The trouble is I can’t put energy in to anything useful as my concentration span has shrunk to zero. Its a bit like waiting for a storm to pass in one sense really, you just have to let it blow over I guess.

Yesterday I had a jazz rehersal for our other,other musical outlet and it went quite well, thoughs it a bit different from most of the other stuff as there are dots to be read. All being well in a month or two we will launch our new venture on an as yet unsuspecting world!

I am not looking forward to Chistmas much as I always get overwrought and wound up about stuff, I have always found it to be a very uncomfortable time of year and tend to feel ill at ease. I also tend to get very morbid at this time of year too. HO HO Humn Bah Humbug and stuff. The Christmas decorations in the Kings Road are quite jolly though. Its not bad for window shoping thoughs that really all I do these days.

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Back to the old routine

by on Nov.14, 2011, under Bi-polar, Musings

I am starting to get back into the more usual routine of gigs now. It varies from slightly chavey pubs (though often with very nice salt of the earth types) to proper music venues so the vibe is quite different although the shows the same. We had a couple of good gigs this weekend, and the one on Saturday night was a real work out in every sense, but my stamina is returning. If I can remember to discipline myself to keep doing my exercises that will help a lot too.

My back is not up to getting serious with the accordion yet, but I do need that for the folksy stuff we are starting to do, perhaps in another month or so I will be able to get stuck in a bit.

My sleep patterns have completly changed now as I seem to sleep for exactly 6 hours no matter what, after having been permanently tired for about a year or so. My abilty to concentrait on stuff is much improved too and the pain has eased off quite a bit.My temper has not improved much though unfortunately.

Long term prospects with the music seem to be slightly better gigwise but not quite enough for financial stabilty yet. We have got some good stuff coming up though including Cambridge Folk Club for for the Deltas that should improve our employabilty though. If we can average 12 gigs a month that would get us about right, we doing between 5 to 8 at the moment, so its not a huge leap in the amount of stuff we do really.

I also need to try and get a bit of IT work again to help out with the cash flow which could tip the balance, its very competitive though of course, and I ‘m not. I am still 10 years of the state pension age so I need to be doing something to boost my income that won’t tip me back in to mental health problems.

There is still quite an issue about this, and it seems to me that regardless of legislation, its mostly lip service thats paid rather than actually following guidelines. I commented on a thread recently that I thought it may be easier to get employment if you have just transitioned than if you have had mental health issues as it is still the case that people regard depression as laziness and then there are all those really scary ones like schizophrenia (which is often conflated with bi-polar by folks that don’t know) though some symptoms are similar.

I had musician friend who was schizophrenic who I have now lost touch with who was mostly harmless, and I wonder from time to time how he is getting on. We spent quite a lot of time working on music together a few years back…

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Sometimes it makes no sense at all

by on Oct.23, 2011, under Bi-polar, music

I had a good night out on Friday and I should be feeling chilled and relaxed, but I am totally wound up and very jumpy.
Its like I have my own personal demon just throwing me often balance when I think I have got it all together.
Whats it like not to jump at your own shadow?  I wish I knew and I wish someone else could actually know what it is I am talking about, but it will make no sense to them.  I do feel that as the days go by I am losing it more and more day by day.
Whats lurking in the shadows? I don’t know, but I feel like there is something chasing me…

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April 2011

by on Apr.03, 2011, under Bi-polar, Musings

Well its been a funny old year so far, I have to say. It got off to quite a shaky start one way and another but I am feeling a bit more positive about stuff now. Hooray. I have been doing a lot of musical woodshedding particularly on the Piano to delve in to pastures new, but I have been avoiding writing anything new for the moment as I am some what direction less musically right now.
We have had quite a few well received Delta Ladies and Elephant Shelf gigs so far which is very gratifying too. Money wise there is just about enough on tick over to keep rolling too for the moment but long term solutions are still needed. What these are remains to be seen! It often seems the case that what ever I get involved its one step forward and two back again. I still don’t react well under stress so I try to organize my life to avoid unnecessary tension. It doesn’t take to much to set me off even at the best of times, but I don’t want to medicate myself out of consciousness either. I have a good bunch of supportive friends but they are also people that I work with so again life can get a little awkward. One of the big problems is that I need space to do my own thing with out distraction, but I can get quite morose when left on my own. I do have to be a little careful as if I get two excited or enthusiastic if can often swing into mania eventually. Thats quite difficult to explain to people as they don’t really know what mania is.
Both my parents suffered from extremes of mood, so its not that surprising that I seem to be similarly afflicted. The worst aspect of this is that there are times when I can’t concentrate on anything which makes me worst than useless. I seem to have been getting towards that state recently rather too often lately.

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Still very tense

by on Jan.06, 2011, under Bi-polar, Musings

Its been a very tiring week and I am running on empty to a certain extent. I have  a couple of gigs this weekend which I need to do but it will be a strain. Just have to grin and bare it I suppose. Usually this time of year around my birthday is the worst for me and I really could do with some rest now and not being over stimulated.

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2011 and other stuff

by on Jan.02, 2011, under Bi-polar, Musings

Its not been the best start to New Year, but hopefully things will get back in to equilibrium soon.   So Happy New Year all. Well at least the snows gone!

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The fear factor

by on Nov.26, 2010, under Bi-polar, Musings

I seem to be just a little bit paranoid right now. I should really try and be a bit more trusting but at the moment its hard work . Today has been one of those days when I really could have done with sinking into the wall or at least hiding behind the sofa.  Sometimes my confidence vanishes completely and its a fragile beast at the best of times which has required a lot of  nurturing to keep it out of the dark places that where it usually reposes.

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The Moon Rises in Battersea

by on Nov.19, 2010, under Bi-polar, music, Musings, pictures

The Moon Rises in Battersea. I am hoping to start video blogging occasionally from now just to give it   more variety.
Theres a brilliant full moon tonight. I shot it from my lounge….

 
icon for podpress  Online Video: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download
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My Diary from 1985

by on Oct.03, 2010, under Bi-polar, Musings

Just by chance I happened to open an old diary from 1985 and it felt open on a significant page.  The end of a somewhat odd relationship with a girl who had Bi-Polar. At the time I was not aware of the devastating effect that Bi-Polar has on peoples lives and I had not identified my the nature of my own mental problems either.
I worked back through the diary and discovered that the relationship had lasted 6 months almost to the day. I suspect that there were many reasons why it did not work out but I have no doubt that one of them was simply my being far too needy.  Also to be honest I was not terribly interesting company in those days and may well have seemed very boring indeed.  If I had been able to meet me then I would I think have found someone with very limited horizons doing a dead end job that was easily amused and incredibly naive and also in complete denial of their own nature.

What is strange to me is that I should find out 25 years later that she had taken her own life a few years after I knew her as I had always imagined her as the kind of person that would have succeeded at most things she wanted to do…

Life leads us down some very strange paths.

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Stigma and discrimination

by on Sep.19, 2010, under Bi-polar, Musings

Stigma and discrimination

Stigma and discrimination can have a huge impact on the lives of people affected by depression and, for many, they are the single biggest barrier to recovery.

Stigma is experienced by people affected by depression when negative judgements are made about them based on the condition, usually as a result of stereotypes, misconceptions or fear. Stigma can take many forms. It may be someone making an unpleasant remark or ignoring you; or assumptions being made about the kind of person you are or your abilities. Discrimination is the active part of stigma, when someone is not only judged because of the condition they experience but is actually treated differently.

It may seem that understanding and awareness of mental health problems is
improving but many studies have shown that stigma is still widespread. Consider the following statistics:

  • The most common mental illnesses are anxiety and depression (22% of the
  • population) but when asked to describe mental illness 63% of people said it was ‘someone with schizophrenia’ (which affects just 1% of the population). This figure has increased from 56% ten years ago. (Department of Health 2007)
  • The number of people who believe that someone with a mental illness is ‘someone who has to be kept in a psychiatric or mental hospital’ has also increased over the past decade, from 47% to 59%. (Department of Health 2007)
  • Belief in the link between mental illness and violence has similarly risen, from 29% to 36%. (Department of Health 2007)
  • A fifth of employers say that they would not employ someone who had been in
  • receipt of Incapacity Benefit. (Chartered Institute for Personnel Development May 2006)
  • 18% of employers said that they would not employ someone who has experienced mental ill health compared to 10% who wouldn’t employ someone with a physical disability. (Chartered Institute for Personnel Development May 2006)

Institutionalised discrimination

Stigma and discrimination start at the top, creating a climate within which employers routinely exclude people with mental health problems from work and other organisations feel empowered to discriminate too. The state discriminates by:

  • Having legislation that allows internment on the grounds of a person’s medical condition (as opposed to whether someone is dangerous)
  • Giving less weight to witness evidence from people who have had mental illness
  • Barring people who have had mental illness from public service – for example, not allowing them to sit on juries
  • Barring people who have had mental illness from holding public office
  • The Royal College of Psychiatrists has recently drawn attention to a range of health professions whose entry criteria exclude people who have had mental health problems.
  • Even where people with mental health problems are not openly excluded, informal discrimination makes it hard for them to pursue a career in professions such as law, medicine and politics – a recent report by the All-Party Parliamentary Group on Mental Health found that 1 in 5 Members of Parliament has had mental health problems, but most felt they could not disclose this publicly.

Insurance companies may deny health, personal and holiday insurance to people who have had mental health problems, and can refuse to pay a claim where an applicant failed to disclose their history, even where this has no bearing on the claim.
Employers regularly exclude people with mental health problems from work –seeking to sack those who develop problems while refusing to employ those with a history of mental illness.

Self-exclusion

Another manifestation of discrimination is a process of self-exclusion in which people behave as if discrimination will always happen. For example, while someone with depression is right to fear that they might be discriminated against in employment, they would be wrong to believe this will always be the case. If, however, they avoid seeking employment, and fail to take advantage of the help available because of this fear, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Stigma in the media

The media regularly link mental illness with violence and homicide even though the number of homicides by people with a mental illness has fallen significantly over the last 50 years (during which time, the number of homicides has increased by more than 500%).

Elsewhere, the media regularly use stigmatising language on a par with some of the language used to describe ethnic minorities back in the 1970s.

While challenges can be made against television and radio coverage of mental illness through the regulator Ofcom, the Press Complaints Commission only considers complaints where an individual is directly affected by press coverage. So, for example, only Frank Bruno could complain about the “Bonkers Bruno” headline – those of us who feel it is inappropriate to use the term “bonkers” to describe someone with a mental illness have no right of redress. This said, we all have the choice not to buy newspapers and not to subscribe to TV stations that discriminate in this way.

Over-estimating severity

The majority of people with a history of mental illness choose not to disclose their condition publicly – or to be very selective about who they disclose to.

One problem that arises from this is that those people who are “out” about their mental illness are often those who have little choice in the matter – those with the most severe and enduring conditions; those in long-term contact with specialist services; those who have been in contact with the criminal justice system; those who have been excluded from employment; those in poor housing; those who lack social networks and intimate relationships.

This leads politicians, health and social care professionals, journalists, voluntary organisations, and user/survivor groups themselves to stigmatise the majority of people with mental illness as being much needier, much more dependent and much less self-resilient than is actually the case, by applying the characteristics of the 10% with the most severe and enduring illness to the 90% with common mental illness.

Many people with depression find it highly stigmatising to be legally categorised as “vulnerable” or as “disabled”, when most, for most of the time, are fully able to work and to function in society.

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Try being over 50 and having mental health issues. Then try and get a job with a mental health charity

by on Sep.11, 2010, under Bi-polar, whatever

Try being over 50 and having mental health issues. Then try and get a job with a mental health charity as you have exactly the skill set required then wait for them to not even bother to contact you although they say they run a guaranteed interview scheme...

Legislation does no good even those supposedly in the business of helping people with mental health issues discriminate against the very people they are supposed to be helping.

I suspect a lot of these Charity’s are run by 30 somethings who have never had any issues in their life. I think I may have to expose some of these people.

Any one from Mind Sane or any of the other lot care to contradict me…

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