Monthly Archives: January 2020

January 2020

Well last year did not go well. I would have liked to say that I feel a bit more optimistic about 2020 but so far I don’t have any reason to. Maybe things will change but maybe not. I am wiped out pretty much I never had much confidence in the first place but I managed to blag my way through life relatively well in the last few years, but now I have lost the ability to fool myself.
I have allowed myself to be naive in thinking that people would be willing to do things for mutual benefit but apparently not. I have done people favours without expectation, and I try not to be judgemental but I realise I have been taken for a complete fool to often simply because of my own notions of fairness and reasonableness and mistaken loyalty. Maybe it’s karma catching up? Sometimes it feels like being a kid again. When you are perhaps a little awkward and you try to make friends. You think you are accepted, but it turns out you are an object of derision or ridicule or simply not worth treating with respect or at best a permanent outsider. Just history repeating itself. Maybe I just come across as being stupid and that makes me a target. I would like to say won’t get fooled again but I rather suspect I will. What’s the alternative? Trust no one? Maybe… Perhaps the safest option is just to lock myself away? BTW this is not one of those looking for sympathy posts. My problem is I don’t have the strength to push my way through anymore. Its been up hill for too long.

75th anniversary of the liberation of the Nazi death camp on 27 January, International Holocaust Remembrance Day

An official memorial event will mark the 75th anniversary of the liberation of the Nazi death camp on 27 January, International Holocaust Remembrance Day. Up to 200 Holocaust survivors who were imprisoned at the camp will attend, along with heads of state from at least 22 countries. A ceremony at 3.30pm will be addressed by survivors, Poland’s president Andrzej Duda, and Ronald Lauder, president of the World Jewish Congress. It will end with the kaddish, the Jewish prayer for the dead.

Teenage me so ignorant, happy in stupidity

When the ambition is gone what’s left to carry on with except the day today.

The things which make me happy how are what made me happy in much simpler days.

I cannot change the world for all its faults because I cannot change the people in it.

You can lead people to knowledge, you can show them proof, but they can’t be made to accept it. So the best liars rule the world with impunity because you can’t fight stupidity.

Teenage me so ignorant, happy in stupidity.   

Hello 2020

Well, it’s sort of time for an attempt at getting on with things again.

The band continues but really it is in name only as it has to change quite a bit to make it workable. I have to make serious efforts to get out and about locally as there are one or two local music places where I may be able to make some connections. I need this as much for social reasons anything to do with getting gigs as I have been very reclusive and it’s not having a good effect on my mental health as I have been dwelling on things rather too much. That’s the plan anyway, so we shall see what happens next.

I have a guitar stand which holds the guitar in playing position now. That means I can use it with the loop pedal and then step away whilst still accompanying myself and pick up the violin with ease. That’s opened up the options for gigs a lot as I can read music so I can busk stuff from books which means it is easy to do some requests and not have to worry about others learning the material plus I can do the violin stuff which has always been a major part of the live act. If I can get used to doing stuff totally solo then the world’s my oyster really, it’s just a matter of confidence.

Apart from that, I am having a relatively quiet life. Ralph, Vicky’s partner visits once or twice a week, as we have shared interests in sound recording and photography as well as a long-standing friendship. That’s been helpful for both of us over this last year.
I still find it odd performing without Vicky’s often larger than life presence, but I can see now how hopefully it can work.

Money is very tight at present so that is still restricting things socially, which is why I need to find things to do locally.
It’s now coming up to two years away from London and there is a lot that I do miss, to be honest, but I don’t have any regrets about moving when I did as its made life a lot easier in practical terms. I have still have a lot of stuff in the shed downstairs that needs sorting out, selling or disposing of though.

My birthday comes up in a couple of weeks but I shall not be making too much fuss about it, other than to say I never could imagine being that age 

 I don’t expect to be doing anything special for it. It does have a particular resonance though as I will be the same age as my father was when he died, which is a little disturbing, to be honest.