Well, it’s been a weird month some good and some bad stuff. Also a lot of thinking. Too much perhaps. These are historic times of course. We have a writer of satirical columns who has been elected as PM. This whilst slightly amusing does not augur well really. Belgium will love it of course as it means we have truly embraced surealsium now having merely dabbles in it at the time of the referendum.
Musically things plod on but with a somewhat lessened amount of energy to be honest.
Practical matters of finance are also a concern and need some working out. I need to adjust my lifestyle somewhat now and I am beginning to do so, but it’s difficult as I feel somewhat rudderless and adrift and likely to end up in some strange place if I am not careful.
So a fairly low key week. the idea I had in my head was catch up on a few thing which I have managed to do. Unfortunately I have also been plagued with backache again. It comes and goes and sometimes I don’t have problems for weeks, then out of nowhere it manifests. When it’s bad sitting is mostly out of the question. I have been working on creative stuff, music and recording as I can do the bulk of it standing up.
I am still very easily triggered by stuff and have had some really low days again. Friends and acquaintances have suggested that I need to take it easy but actually keeping busy is the thing to do to keep the dark at bay. I have plenty to do but, I really lack the ability to concentrait at present and I am basically forcing myself to get on with stuff as I have absolutely no motivation whatsoever. I think actually its getting worse rather than better to be honest. I have lots of people that I need to get in contact with but its quite hard. Hopefully it will wear off eventually but I think its going to be a long time.
At the weekend I went to another open garden event nearby. Very nice but all the folks seemed frightfully posh. The sort of village you get on those daft “English” detective series that are the modern equivalent to Miss Marple. All very shiny and posh and immaculate and mostly retired sorts.
Loved the gardens but hated the vibe. Posh “Little England” as opposed to deprived “Little England” full of well laundered BMWS and so forth.
The village is just the other side of the Golf Course so I guess it is to be expected.
I have been here a year and 6 months and it still seems weird as I am deeply urban at heart. I like the anonymity of the city on one level though it can isolate.
What do you do when people are being friendly all over the place? It’s difficult when you are just not used to it.
Today has been a difficult day though. There is much that troubles me and my sense of isolation is much increased.
When I first arrived here I was knocked out with certain aspects, the fresh air and the easily accessible open countryside and of course all that is still here to be enjoyed, but I am still very much affected by recent events and today is one of those hangover days where everything lays heavy on me. My mood sank like a stone today but I was fine yesterday. Perhaps tomorrow will be different?
There is a chill win blowing on my soul right now.
“Doubt thou the stars are fire.Doubt that the sun doth move.Doubt truth to be a liar.But never doubt my love.”
That bloke from Stratford put that in one of those plays what he wrote
So I had a gig at the weekend. To be honest I had been dreading it. I expect things to go wrong and they did a bit to be honest. But the band played on with sufficient musicality. Unfortunately my keyboard got a fit of the sulks so I had to change the set which slightly took things off course but hey we got through it. The 120 mile night drive home was not ideal though but it was a matter of grit your teeth and bare it I guess. I do miss having company on late nights like that.
A bit more thinking has been done about matters financial and otherwise and I have formulated a bit of a plan which I hope will make life a little easier which I shall start trying to sort out next month.
Last week was hard work though a couple of gigs lifted my mood. I am still feeling the loss very much so normal service has not really been resumed.
I actually feel that things need to come to a halt for a while. August will be a quiet month when I may be able to think about what to do next.
So I don’t think I will be straying far from here by next year. What’s done is done and all that.
So I have had a couple of low days. It’s surprising how things creep up on you. I have not been far the last couple of days apart from the shop over the road. I see Ralph, Vicky’s partner quite often as we have known each other for years. It’s good to have company, but it stirs memories and it still hurts a lot. Grief is a very strange thing and unlike previous times when I have lost people to the ravages of time there has been so much time to reflect. Going to the office and the daily grind numb things down a bit. When you have time though things are sharper and clearer and much more present as they circle through the filing cabinets and pending trays of your mind.
Its at times like these that people who might have faith will find something to comfort them I guess. I am simply left with a sudden and abrupt full stop.
Also on a more practical level I no longer have a convenient center in London for organising rehearsals and keeping in touch with the rest of the folks I know down that way. So it’s hard work at the moment. Last couple of days I have no been no further than the sainsburys across the road.
I got confirmation of a gig later this year through which was a positive thing at least as its a nice place to play. I am thinking of doing a bit of drawing or painting again. I am not very good at it but it is something I used to do. I am the sort of copy something type, but not particularly original I do not think. I used to do very richly colored abstracts which people sort of liked. Actually they are potential artwork for an album I think if nothing else.
So the day to day stuff continues as normal. Music, practice, writing and all that. I have also had a couple of bad back days to contend with as well which has not helped. I swapped my computer chair back to the old knackered one as it seems more comfortable at least. I have to keep moving around though or I am in trouble and everything has seized up again.